Fart Song Gone Wrong

I quit smoking last Tuesday.

Took up farting on Wednesday.

Same social effect!

A whole lot cheaper...

And nobody ever asks to bum one!

I used to stand outside and shiver,

Blowing ten-dollar smoke around.

Now I clear the whole dang building

Without ever leaving town!

My wife said, "That ain't quitting!

You just changed your exhaust!"

I said, "Think of all the money saved!"

She said, "THINK OF THE FRIENDS YOU LOST!"

I was strolling through the grocery,

When a little thunder squeezed.

I fired one beside the peaches

That could've stripped the leaves off trees!

I pointed at my wife and whispered,

"HONEY! HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?"

She yelled, "DON'T YOU BLAME THAT ON ME!

YOUR BUTT JUST PLED GUILTY!"

We reached the checkout counter,

The clerk said, "Paper or plastic, please?"

My wife looked back at the produce aisle

And screamed, "GAS MASK, PLEASE!"

FART SONG GONE WRONG!

Hear that butt trumpet play!

I started with a tiny toot,

Now folks are running away!

TOOT-TOOT! HONK-HONK!

Everybody's gotta go!

I traded smoke for music,

SAME SOCIAL EFFECT, YOU KNOW!

Sunday morning, dressed for church,

I settled in my favorite pew.

I tried to sneak a quiet one,

But that oak bench knew what to do!

It amplified that little squeak

Like a tuba through the floor.

The preacher yelled, "TURN TO EXODUS!"

And everybody headed for the door!

One old lady dropped her Bible,

A deacon hollered, "GOOD LORD!"

The organist threw both hands up

And played the final chord!

My dog could gag a maggot

Off a gut wagon in July!

He once made a buzzard dry-heave

And brought tears to a skunk's eyes!

But when I played my butt trumpet,

He dropped his favorite cheese.

Packed his bowl and dragged his blanket,

Then wrote, "ADOPT ME, PLEASE!"

He looked at me one final time,

With tears running down his snout.

Then scratched a note across the door:

"YOU'RE THE REASON I'M MOVING OUT!"

FART SONG GONE WRONG!

There's a brass band in my pants!

One little note can empty out

A church, a store, a dance!

TOOT-TOOT! HONK-HONK!

Ain't nobody hanging round!

Even my dog requested witness protection

And moved three counties out of town!

I was driving down the highway

With a buddy by my side.

I felt my butt trumpet warming up,

And smiled a little smile.

I cracked the passenger window

And let a little thunder go.

The breeze picked up that masterpiece

And shoved it underneath his nose!

He screamed, "WHAT THE HECK JUST DIED?!

DID WE RUN OVER A ZOO?"

I said, "Must be that fresh country air!"

He said, "THEN WHY AIN'T YOU BREATHING TOO?"

That pine-tree air freshener

Took one whiff and hollered, "I QUIT!"

Snapped its string, flew out the window,

And wanted no more part of it!

Then my bubble guts went

BLUB-BLUB-BLUB!

Like a washer full of boots!

My stomach started sending warnings

About the danger of those toots!

My wife yelled, "DON'T YOU TRUST IT!"

My dog went flying through the gate.

I said, "RELAX, I'M A PROFESSIONAL!"

Famous words said way too late!

I should've paused before stupid

Got expensive, that's a fact.

But I was feeling mighty confident

And there was no turning back!

I stood up like a maestro,

My finest solo yet!

My wife screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE!"

But I was already set!

I lifted up one cheek,

And gave a mighty squeeze...

Now my drawers look like I've been sliding down a rusty pipe!