PUT THE DRILL DOWN!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

We've got some good news and some bad news.

The good news is, half the passengers won the election!

The bad news is, the other half's drilling holes in the boat.

And apparently, nobody brought a life jacket.

*[Record scratch — Band EXPLODES]*

Old Red and Blue were neighbors, been fighting all their lives,

Arguing over everything, including their own wives.

Red said, "Blue, you're stupid!" Blue said, "Red, you're nuts!"

They both agreed on one thing — the other guy's a putz!

The roof was leaking, bills were due, the toilet wouldn't flush,

But they were busy arguing who deserved to hold the brush.

Then Grandma came out hollering, "You boys ain't got a clue!

The house is filling up with crap, and I'm blaming BOTH OF YOU!"

I hate that stinking broccoli, so I'll eat a pile of turds!

I'll show that lousy vegetable! You can mark my words!

The waiter said, "You sure, sir?" I said, "I know what's best!"

He said, "Well, congratulations! You've just failed the taste test!"

Now I'm gagging at the table while the broccoli looks just fine,

I won the whole damn argument — now somebody pass the wine!

WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOIN'?

SOMEBODY PUT THE DRILL DOWN!

The red wing punched the blue wing, the eagle hit the dirt,

One yelled, "We won the election!" The other hollered, "I'm hurt!"

That eagle landed beak-first in a fresh cow pie,

While both wings went on television to explain exactly why.

One blamed the wind direction, one blamed the other wing,

Neither mentioned punching was a really stupid thing.

The eagle found a chicken, said, "Could you help me fly?"

The chicken said, "I'd love to, but I'm terrified of heights!"

We've got a boat with two big holes, one painted red, one blue,

Each side keeps yelling, "YOUR HOLE'S WORSE!" while water's coming through!

One man grabbed a bucket, another grabbed a drill,

One promised us a waterfall, the other promised hills!

The captain yelled, "We're sinking!" Both sides said, "That's a lie!"

Then argued over whose fault it was while the fish went swimming by.

WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOIN'?

SOMEBODY PUT THE DRILL DOWN!

We hired a man to fix the road, he brought a wrecking ball,

He knocked the bridge into the creek and said, "That oughta solve it all!"

We called another fellow, said, "Can you make it right?"

He said, "I'll paint the creek a different color, probably overnight!"

We watched him do the same thing that failed a hundred times,

But this time he had matching hats and really catchy signs.

Then Grandpa looked at all of us, scratched his thinning hair,

Said, "I've seen smarter decisions from a busted rocking chair!"

We can't see the forest for the trees, we're arguing with a stump,

A two-year-old chimed in, "You need a head outta ass ECK tuh mee!"

Doctor said, "No worries! We'll get you fixed up soon!"

But Grandma cut in sharply, "You boys are all immune!"

Laughter bubbled forth, the kitchen clucked like hens,

While Daddy tried to call a truce, but couldn't find his pants!

Come together, put things right, this unity's sublime,

To laugh like we're all family, let’s do it one more time!

We shine across the good ol’ USA, together with our friends,

From sea to shining sea, this laughter never ends!

Saddle up for freedom, grab your drink and hold it high,

Here’s to laughing every moment, here's to reaching for the sky!

WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOIN'?

SOMEBODY PUT THE DRILL DOWN!

*SPLASH! (sound effects)*

*CHICKEN CLUCK!*

As we gather here together, let's raise our voices loud,

In a world that needs compassion, let’s make our families proud!

If we don’t stick together, we’ll be running round the town,

But for now, I think we’ve proven — SOMEBODY PUT THE DRILL DOWN!